this isn't fair
why am I the one
suffering
crying
blaming
regretting
&
hating
myself.
I wish I remained silent.
I wish I did it differently.
I wish I felt more worthy.
I wish I was stronger.
I wish you tried.
I don't know what's more painful
being unappreciated and ignored
or
being shown that I didn't matter in the
first place.
I am so
bro
ke
n
and now you're gone.
it's done.
over.
What have I done.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had that reoccuring dream again.
The one where I see you from afar and
panic.
I keep attending the same concert.
and hiding in the same band room.
I'm always surprised to see you
conducting a whole new group.
Will you turn your back on them too?
Even in my dreams you are
disconnected.
I am not some aquaintance.
You changed my life in a
positive
and
negative
way.
I blame you for my intense insecurity
when someone doesn't reply to me.
I feel that same sting of
rejection
every.single.time.
In my dreams you are aloof to my anguish
as I imagine you would be
if we were to cross paths one day.
You're always wearing the same thing.
The situation is always the same thing.
I-see-you before you-see-me.
I have to quickly decide whether I will
confront
or
run.
I always choose confrontation
I am always let down when you don't care enough
to
just
apologize.
All I wanted was an apology.
Last night was different.
For the first time in my dream sequence,
I ran away crying.
You were unexpected this time.
I was not ready.
You saw me.
You came after me.
I turned to you
and
pushed you
and
beat you
and
kicked you
until you fell.
And I still wanted an apology.
but I also wanted
to just
move
on
and be friends once again
and I woke up broken
knowing
that's never going to happen.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
